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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:01 am 
Rock Ape
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WING COMMANDER M.HARWOOD-GRAYSON. /== During a lecture on Scientific Progress in the Twentieth Century, the eminent lecturer asked a selection of officers what they considered to be the most significant development of the century. The airman replied, "The jet engine which has not only revolutionise civil aviation, but has changed military thinking and tactics out of all recognition." The answer from the submariner was, "The invention of nuclear power which has enabled the oceans to be exploited more fully from a military point of view and has turned submarines into the capital ships of the future." The RAF Regiment officer's suggestion was, however of a more mundane nature. "The thermos flask." He said, "because it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Not overly impressed with this suggestion, the lecturer asked him to explain why he thought the humble thermos flask was so wonderful. "Well," replied the Rockape, "How does it know the difference."


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:13 am 
Rock Ape
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FLIGHT LIEUTENANT E.A.DULAKE. /== An old Arab Sheik, who was an extremely keen golfer. Sent his son to Britain to purchase a set of golf clubs for him. When the son had been away for four weeks the father, worried about him, asked his London embassy to try and track him down. The embassy located the young man in Scotland and told him to telephone his father. This he duly did, apologising for the delay and explaining that he had bought most of the clubs. But he was having difficulty with the last two as neither Gleneagles nor St. Andrews would sell.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:32 am 
Rock Ape
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AIR COMMODORE M.BARNES./== Four gentlemen found themselves sharing a carriage on a long train journey. One thought it would be a good idea to start a conversation. “It looks as though we shall be traveling together for some time, so perhaps we should introduce ourselves. I’m John Smith, a Squadron Leader in the Royal Air Force. I’m married and I have 3 children, one still at school, one at university and one training to be a solicitor.” “That’s extraordinary,” said the second, “Because I’m also a Squadron Leader in the Royal Air Force, and I’m also married with 3 children, two still at school and a 3rd at university studying to be a doctor.” “Well, you’ll never believe this,” chipped in the third. “But I’m also a Squadron Leader in the Royal Air Force. I’m also married, and also have 3 children, one at school, one training to be an accountant and the 3rd is a qualified surveyor.” They all turned questioningly to the forth occupant, who had listened impassively to all that had been said. “Well,” he said at last. “I’m also in the Royal Air Force, But I’m A Warrant Officer. I never married, but I did father 3 children. They are all Squadron Leaders.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2017 8:57 am 
Rock Ape
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Location: Ozzie Land, where else would I be?
:lolabove: :lolabove: :lolabove: :lolabove: Missed this before, feckin hilarious.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:57 am 
Rock Ape
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SQUADRON LEADER K.R.KENDRIK./== On a Friday evening a few years ago, a disheveled young man was sitting in the entrance to Woking railway station begging from the home going commuters. In front of him was a handwritten sign which read “Falklands Veteran.” An inebriated yuppie, returning home from a city wine bar, saw the man and immediately was overcome with alcohol-induced sympathy. He felt in his pocket for some loose change. Not finding any coins, he took out his wallet and donated a five pound note. “Muchos gracias senor,” said the beggar.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:14 am 
Rock Ape
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SERGEANT P.T.GALLICHAN./== (Before you ask, no I don’t know what a Sergeant was doing speaking in the Officers Mess.) A stranger, sitting by the bar in an isolated pub, asked the landlord for a light. “No,” said the landlord. “But,” said the stranger a little taken aback. “I noticed that you are smoking, why won’t you give me a light.” “Well,” said the landlord, “If I was to give you a light, we would most probably start a conversation, you would buy me a drink, then I would buy you one in return and one thing would lead to another and, before you knew it, you would have drunk too much to be able to drive home. I would then feel obliged to put you up for the night. We would end up upstairs in the flat, drinking my favourite whiskey. At bedtime, you would have to sleep on the couch because we only have two bedrooms, my wife and I have one, and my 18 year old daughter has the other. Halfway through the night you would probably sneak into my daughters bedroom, make love to her and make her pregnant, and then you would not do the decent thing and marry her. .” “How can you be so sure that I would not marry her.” Asked the stranger. “Because,” said the landlord, “I am not going to give you a light.”


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:55 am 
Rock Ape
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These after dinner speehes are more valuable than you think Yorkyhudders. I have been asked to be a guest speaker at a gentlemans business club in the New Year the trouble is now deciding which of these speeches to use. :hmmm:


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:36 am 
Rock Ape
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Charlie:

Just a hint... These are not the entire speech... These are just the funny bit that goes at the beginning... :evil:

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Human beings are born with different capacities, if they are free they are not equal and if they are equal they are not free.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 12:35 pm 
Rock Ape
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AIR MARSHAL SIR FRANK HOLROYD./== Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse by mistake.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 12:45 pm 
Rock Ape
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SQUADRON LEADER A.G.RAYMENT./== The Nimrod Squadron had been deployed to Sigonella for the winter. Following a long period of continuous rain. The airfield and camp area were a morass but, despite the very unpleasant conditions. The unpopular Squadron Commander insisted that he would still hold weekly inspections. When he reached the supply Sqn. Tent he found the staff standing smartly to attention, ankle deep in mud. “Good morning gentlemen, it’s very muddy today.” “Yes sir,” replied the Squadron wag. “I’m standing on top of a Land Rover”


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