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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 1:12 pm 
Rock Ape
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SQUADRON LEADER M.D.GREEN./== Two Germans, visited the UK for the first time, arrived in Dover, whilst waiting for the ferry to dock, they discussed what they wanted to do first. They decided that they wanted to try some English beer but did not know any brand names to ask for. “Never mind,” said one, “we will look at the advertising hoardings for a name.” Arriving in the town, they saw a large hoarding with a poster saying. ‘Drink Enos-it makes you feel younger.’ They entered a quality hotel, went to the bar and order two pints of Enos. The barman, used to odd requests from foreigners, served two pints of Enos liver salts. After their 5th pint. The first German turned to the second and said. “Has it made you feel any younger.” “I think so,” said the second “because I have just done something extremely childish.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 1:22 pm 
Rock Ape
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AIR MARSHAL SIR. DAVID PARRY-EVANS./== After dinner speeches, like good short stories, Should always be brief. It is said that Somerset Maugham visiting a well known girls school, offered a prize for the best short story. The essential ingredients, he advised, were religion, royalty, sex, and mystery. The prize had to go to the girl who wrote. “Christ”, said the princess. “I’m pregnant. Who done it”.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:24 pm 
Rock Ape
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SQUADRON LEADER I.M.SHEELEY./== The proud owner of a brand new Beech King Air arrived early at his local aerodrome to await the aircrafts arrival on a delivery flight from the USA. Weather conditions were ideal, with a brisk south easterly wind causing the airfield to be operating on the short runway 11, with larger aircraft using the longer runway 21. On time, Air Traffic Control telephoned to say that the aircraft was inbound, and the owner and some friends gathered outside the clubhouse to watch it’s arrival. Expecting the aircraft to land on runway 21, their excitement turned to surprise when they saw it, despite the tailwind, apparently making an approach to runway 03. The other end of runway 21. To their relief at the last moment the aircraft overshot and went into a gentle orbit of the airfield. A friend tried to reassure the owner, explaining that the pilot was probably now repositioning for an approach to the correct runway. However their relief was short lived as they suddenly realised that the orbit had been used to position the aircraft for an approach to runway 29. The other end of runway 11, downwind again, but now on a short runway. This Time there was no overshoot. The aircraft bounced first halfway down the runway, then bounced again three quarters of the way down. Finally leaving the runway behind, it exited the airfield through the boundary fence, crossed the main duel carriageway running along side the airfield, passing between the lamp posts at it went, and finally came to rest in a layby on the far side. Emergency services, the owner and his friends raced to the scene. The aircraft was a write-off although the pilot had managed to extricate himself from the wreckage with only cuts and bruises. “What on earth were you doing,” exclaimed the owner, now entering a state of shock. “I’m terribly sorry,” replied the pilot, “I couldn’t stop, the brakes didn’t work.” “That really isn’t surprising,” retorted the owner. “The wheels need to be in contact with the ground to achieve the best effects, you were still airborne when you went through the fence.”


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 12:58 pm 
Rock Ape
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GROUP CAPTAIN B.A.WRIGHT./== “Dad,” said the baby polar bear. “Are you a real polar bear.” “yes.” Said his father. “Is mummy a real polar bear.” Said the baby. “Yes, of course.” Said his father. “Are you absolutely sure that both you and mummy are real polar bears.” Persisted the young bear. “Of course we are.” Said the father crossly. “What on earth is the matter” “ well, why am I so bloody cold.”


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:25 pm 
Rock Ape
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GROUP CAPTAIN R.DIXON./== The Martians sent a fact-finding mission to earth some years ago. Their flying saucer collected 3 human beings as specimens for study. On return to Mars, each human was placed in isolation in the Martian desert, given 2 solid stainless steel spherical balls, and watched to see how he would react. After 3 weeks, the Martian scientists reported the results to his Director. “Director.” He said, “the first human was taken from the area known as Asia, he is Chinese and is a train driver.” “How has he done” asked the Director. “Well sir, in 3 weeks he has learned how to juggle the 2 balls, he can now keep them in the air for up to 16 mins. At a time.” “Reasonable,” Said the Director, “and how about the 2nd human.” Number 2 is from an area called Africa. He is a farmer from a Country known as Kenya. Over the last 3 weeks he has learned how to spin one ball clockwise on the top of his index finger, with the other one balanced on top and spinning in an anti-clockwise direction, he can keep this going for up to 27 mins.” “Contra-rotating balls,” exclaimed the Director.” “Most encouraging. What about the last human.” “Well, he is is from Europe, from a Country called Britain. He is a military man from the air section of their military forces, a supply officer in what is known as the Royal Air Force.” “And what has he achieved then.” Asked the Director. “Well Sir, I am afraid that he has lost one and broken the other.”


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