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 Post subject: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 11:30 am 
Rock Ape
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I bought a book some months ago about speeches in the office's mess. Thinking I may have a good laugh at the Penguin Officers. Surprisingly it wasn't to bad. So hopefully you may enjoy them. I will keep putting them on as when I have the time, and until I come to the end of the book. Hopefully you may have some yourselves.


Last edited by Yorkyhudders on Sun Jul 09, 2017 12:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 11:35 am 
Rock Ape
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This is a cartoon of a boring speech in the Offices Mess./== There I was, upside down, nothing on the clock...... cartoon by F/O Steve Dean. RAF Church Fenton.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 11:48 am 
Rock Ape
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BY A/COMMODORE D,J,LOVERIDGE /== The beautiful young female medical student was stunned when the Professor asked her. "What part of the human body enlarges to about ten times it's normal size during periods of excitement and emotion." "I refuse to answer that question," stammered the girl. Blushing and avoiding the looks and giggles of her male classmates. One of these was called upon next and answered correctly. "The pupil of the eye." "Well done," said the professor. "As for you, Miss Rogers, your refusal to answer the question makes three things apparent. Firstly, you did not do last nights homework, secondly, you have a dirty mind, and thirdly, marriage is likely to be a great disappointment to you."


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 12:12 pm 
Rock Ape
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BY GP/CAPTAIN J,K,WALTERS. /== An Irishman went into confessional. "Forgive me farther, for I have sinned. I had intercourse with my wife yesterday." "That is not a sin, my son," said the priest. "God put men and women on this earth to procreate the human race in that way. Intercourse between man and wife, within the sanctity of holy matrimony, is far from being a sin, it is actually encouraged by the church." "But you don't understand, father," replied the man. "I was unkind to my wife, I took her by surprise, she was just bending over the freezer to get the chicken when I came up behind her and grabbed her. Despite her struggles, I had my way, that was not very nice was it." "Well my son," said the priest. "I agree that it could be presented as a little on the unkind side, on the other hand, when a man and a woman have been married for a long time. They sometimes find it helpful to introduce a little variety into their lovemaking. Provided that you did not hurt or injure your wife. I find it difficult to view your actions as sinful. However it is obviously troubling you, so I suggest that you go into the body of the church and say three Hail Marys. That can be an end of the matters." "Oh, so I am not banned from the church then father." "Of course not, my son. How ridiculous. Whatever gave you that idea." "Well... it's just that we were in Sainsbury's when it happened."


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 12:49 pm 
Rock Ape
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W/COMMANDER T,J,GERRARD. /== Three nuns were driving in the Convent's Mini-Metro when they were unfortunately involved in a head-on collision with a juggernaut lorry. Not surprisingly they were all killed instantly and proceeded to heaven. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates they were confident of a swift admission to paradise. However they were met by a rather officious St. Peter who announced that, regardless of how good they had been or who they were, they could not be admitted without taking a test. The nuns were a little put out, but having no option agreed to take the test. The first one stepped forward and stood in front of St. Peter. "Right..." said St. Peter. "... what was the name of the first man." "Adam..." replied the first nun instantly. "Correct." Said St. Peter. Immediately the gates of heaven burst open, sunlight came streaming through and the attending angels blew a fanfare on their trumpets. With her head held high, the first nun strode into Paradise and the gates were slammed shut behind her. "OK" said St. Peter, "who's next." "Me." Said the second nun timidly, stepping forward to stand in front of the saint." "Very well, tell me the name of the first woman." Demanded St. Peter. A long and uncomfortable silence ensued. Just when it seemed that she would fail to answer. The second nuns eyes lit up. "It was Eve." She cried. " Spot on" said St. Peter, and the gates of heaven flew open, sunlight streamed forth and the angels blew a fanfare. The second nun strode proudly through the gates and they closed behind her. The third nun stepped forward, "What did the first woman say to the first mam." Asked St. Peter. The nun shuffled her feet and tugged nervously at her habit. Racking her brains for an answer, The silence seemed interminable. M-m-my word" she stammered, "That is a hard one." The gates of heaven burst open, sunlight streamed through and the attending angels blew a fanfare on their trumpets.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:29 am 
Rock Ape
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AIR COMMODORE N.B.BALDWIN. /== At the battle of Waterloo, Coronel Clement, an infantry commander, fought with the most conspicuous bravery but unfortunately was shot through the head. Napoleon hearing of his gallantry and misfortune, gave instructions for him to be carried into a farm where Surgeon General Larrey was operating. One glance convinced Larrey that Clements situation was critical. So taking up a saw, he removed the top of his skull and place the brains on the operating table. At that moment an aide-de-camp rushed into the room shouting "is General Clement here." Clement on hearing this, sat up and exclaimed. "No! But Colonel Clement is." "Oh, mon General," cried the aide-de-camp, embracing him. "The Emperor was overwhelmed when he heard of your gallantry that he has promoted you on the field of battle to the rank of General." Clement rubbed his eyes, got off the table, clapped the top of his scull on his head and made to leave. "Mon General.... your brains." Shouted Larrey after him. Still accelerating away the gallant General shouted back, "Tiens, now that I am a General, I shall no longer require them."


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:44 am 
Rock Ape
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SQUADRON LEADER J.M.CLIFFORD. /== A hoary old Flight Lieutenant Navigator, whose flying exploits were all behind him. Had been despatched to a recruiting booth in a seaside town for the duration of a military tattoo. For day's he patiently endured the questions of all the young people who visited his stand. Much to his disappointment, all of them wanted to be pilots, whenever he explained the thrills of air navigation and touched on his own many daring deeds. They invariably wandered away looking bored. On the last day, a scruffy looking youth wandered up to the stand and sneered "Got any good jobs going mate, I've half a mind to become a pilot." "We certainly have son." Replied the navigator, "and it sounds as if you are eminently well qualified.... sign here."


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 1:32 pm 
Rock Ape
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GROUP CAPTAIN JOHN McDONALD /== A young couple went into a shop to buy a washing machine and were approached by a keen salesman. "How can I help you." He enquired. "We are looking for a washing machine," replied the wife. "It must be the very best that you have, regardless of the cost." "Certainly madam," replied the salesman. "This German here is probably ideal for you. Although it is expensive, it does absolutely everything for you and is simplicity itself to operate. All you do is lift the lid, put in the washing and detergent, close the lid and turn it on. It fills itself with water at exactly the right temperature, it does a biological prewash, a main wash, it then spins at 2000 revolutions per minute until the washing is virtually dry. Finally an automatic tumble drying sequence cuts in and takes the last traces of moisture out of the material. In only 25 minutes, your washing ends up like new." "Very good," said the husband, "but what about realy dirty nappies." "No problem at all," said the salesman. "But what about really dirty nappies." "No problem at all," said the salesman. He went through his entire sales patter again, ending up with ".... and only 25 minutes the really dirty nappies come our looking like brand new Harringtons Squares." "I see." Said the husband," so all I to is lift the lid. put in the really dirty nappies and some detergent, and turn it on, and in 25 minutes they come out brand new." "No sir," said the salesman, "you forgot to close the lid. All you would get would be a face full of shit." MORAL, Always obey technical orders to the letter.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 1:43 pm 
Rock Ape
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AIR MARSHAL SIR MICHAEL SIMMONS /== Some years ago, when we had RAF Training Schools in Northern Ireland. A student and his instructor took off from RAF Bishops Court in a Tiger Moth. The two seater training aircraft, which crashed into a cemetery near a small Irish town, killing both occupants. The local authorities had the tast of cleaning up after the accident. Their activities were duly recorded in the local newspapers. "The authorities are still shifting through the debris from the aircraft crash in the town cemetery last Thursday. So far they have recovered 423 bodies."


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner Speeches in the Offices Mess.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 10:14 am 
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AIR COMMODORE, R. CHAPPLE. /== A veterinary surgeon was telephoned late at night by a distraught woman. "Please come quickly, my two dogs are stuck together and I don't know what to do, and the male one seems to be in some considerable pain." "Try throwing a bucket of cold water over them," said the vet. Not very pleased at being thus disturbed. "I've already tried that," sobbed the woman, "and it didn't work." "Then hit them both with the biggest stick you can find, that should do the trick." "I have and it didn't work." " I'll tell you what to do," said the vet. "Replace your telephone and I'll call back." " Oh, do you think that the ringing of the telephone will cause my dogs to separate then." "I can't actually promise it," snarled the vet. "But it has certainly just worked for me."


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